Gaslighting and Scapegoating: Understanding the Hidden Emotional Harm

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by Pinoy Therapy in [Abuse , Anxiety , Emotional and verbal , Family issues , Kindness, Self-acceptance , Low self-confidence , Low self-esteem , Personal growth , Relationship problems , Stress , Well-being goals] Jul 21, 2026

Read time: 7 minutes

Have you ever apologised for something you were not sure you actually did? Or found yourself questioning your own memory after someone insisted that events happened differently? Perhaps you have always been the person in your family, workplace, or friendship group who gets blamed whenever something goes wrong.

These experiences can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and emotionally exhausted. Over time, they may even make you doubt your own judgement or worth.

Two concepts that often help explain these experiences are gaslighting and scapegoating. While these terms are widely used on social media, they are often misunderstood or applied too broadly. From a psychological perspective, they are not simply buzzwords. They describe patterns of interaction that can have a significant impact on a person’s emotional wellbeing.

Understanding these patterns is not about labelling people as “good” or “bad.” Instead, it is about recognising unhealthy dynamics so that you can protect your emotional health and seek support when needed.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour where someone repeatedly causes another person to question their own memories, perceptions, feelings, or judgement. Rather than openly discussing disagreements, the person dismisses, minimises, or twists reality in ways that create self-doubt.

Gaslighting can happen intentionally or become part of an unhealthy relationship pattern. Regardless of intent, its impact on the person experiencing it can be deeply distressing.

You may hear phrases such as:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re imagining things.”
“You’re overreacting again.”
“Everyone agrees with me.”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”

On their own, these statements do not automatically mean someone is gaslighting you. People genuinely misremember events or disagree about what happened. The difference is that gaslighting involves a repeated pattern of dismissing another person’s reality, leaving them increasingly unsure of themselves.

Over time, someone experiencing gaslighting may begin to rely on the other person’s version of reality more than their own.

What Is Scapegoating?

Scapegoating happens when one person is consistently blamed for problems within a family, workplace, friendship group, or community, even when the responsibility is shared or lies elsewhere.

The scapegoated person often becomes the “problem” in the eyes of others, regardless of the facts.

Instead of addressing underlying issues, a group may unconsciously direct frustration towards one individual because it feels easier than confronting more complex problems.

Someone who is scapegoated might hear things like:
“Everything was fine until you came along.”
“You’re always the reason we argue.”
“If only you changed, everything would be okay.”

This repeated blame can gradually affect self-esteem and make someone believe they truly are the cause of everyone else’s difficulties.

How Gaslighting and Scapegoating Can Work Together

Sometimes these two patterns occur together.

Imagine a young Filipino adult who is living with extended family. Whenever conflict arises, relatives blame them for causing tension. When they try to explain their side, they are told:
“You’re just being dramatic.”
“You’re remembering it incorrectly.”
“Everyone knows you’re difficult.”

Over time, the person may stop defending themselves altogether because they begin to doubt their own experiences.

This combination of blame and self-doubt can become emotionally overwhelming.

Why These Experiences Feel So Confusing

One reason gaslighting and scapegoating are difficult to recognise is because they usually happen gradually.

People rarely wake up one day believing they cannot trust themselves.

Instead, confidence slowly erodes through repeated experiences of:
➡️ Having feelings dismissed.
➡️ Being blamed unfairly.
➡️ Being told that their memories are inaccurate.
➡️ Feeling responsible for keeping peace in relationships.

Eventually, the person may begin asking themselves:
“Maybe I really am the problem.”

This uncertainty is often one of the most painful parts of the experience.

Gaslighting and Scapegoating in Filipino Culture

Every culture has strengths and challenges, and Filipino culture is no exception.

Values such as close family ties, respect for elders, pakikisama, hiya, and utang na loob can create supportive relationships.

However, when these values are misunderstood or used in unhealthy ways, they can sometimes make it harder for people to speak up about emotional hurt.

For example:

A young adult may be told to remain silent because “family problems should stay within the family.”

An overseas Filipino may feel blamed for not sending enough money home despite already sacrificing so much.

A family member experiencing emotional abuse may be reminded of everything their parents have done for them, making them feel guilty for setting healthy boundaries.

An employee may be unfairly blamed for workplace mistakes because they are younger or less senior, yet feel unable to defend themselves out of respect.

These situations do not mean Filipino values are harmful. Rather, they remind us that even positive cultural values can become difficult when they prevent honest communication or emotional safety.

The Emotional Impact

Living with ongoing gaslighting or scapegoating can affect many aspects of emotional wellbeing.

People may experience:
✔️ Constant self-doubt
✔️ Anxiety about making mistakes
✔️ Low self-confidence
✔️ Difficulty trusting others
✔️ Feelings of guilt
✔️ Emotional exhaustion
✔️ Isolation
✔️ Increased stress

Some people also become people-pleasers because they are constantly trying to avoid blame or conflict.

Others begin withdrawing from relationships because they no longer trust their own judgement.

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Healing often begins with recognising that your thoughts and feelings deserve attention.

This does not mean assuming your perception is always perfect. Everyone can misunderstand situations sometimes.

Instead, it means allowing yourself to ask healthy questions, such as:
💭 Does this person consistently dismiss my feelings?
💭 Am I always the one apologising?
💭 Would I speak to someone else the way they speak to me?
💭 Do I feel emotionally safe expressing myself?
💭 Can disagreements happen without me being blamed?

These questions can help you become more aware of relationship patterns rather than immediately assuming you are at fault.

How Counselling Can Help

Counselling is not about telling you who is right or wrong.

Instead, a counsellor provides a safe, confidential space where you can explore your experiences without judgement.

Through counselling, you may begin to:
✅ Rebuild confidence in your own thoughts and feelings.
✅ Understand healthy relationship patterns.
✅ Learn ways to communicate boundaries respectfully.
✅ Develop self-compassion.
✅ Reduce anxiety and self-blame.
✅ Strengthen emotional resilience.

For many people, simply having someone listen without dismissing their experiences can be an important first step towards healing.

Moving Forward with Compassion

If you recognise aspects of gaslighting or scapegoating in your own life, try to remember that understanding these concepts is not about assigning blame or cutting people out of your life immediately.

Relationships are often complex. People can unintentionally repeat unhealthy communication patterns that they learned growing up. At the same time, repeated emotional invalidation or unfair blame should not be ignored simply because it has become familiar.

Healing begins with recognising your own experiences, approaching them with curiosity rather than harsh self-judgement, and seeking support when needed. You deserve relationships where your voice is heard, your feelings are respected, and disagreements can happen without fear of being constantly blamed or made to question your reality.

No one should have to carry confusion, guilt, or self-doubt alone.

You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Alone

If you have been questioning your experiences or struggling with relationships that leave you feeling confused, anxious, or constantly at fault, speaking with a qualified counsellor can help you make sense of what you are going through.

At Pinoy Therapy, we understand the unique experiences of Filipinos living in the Philippines and abroad. Our culturally sensitive online counselling services provide a safe and confidential space where you can explore your thoughts, strengthen your emotional wellbeing, and rebuild confidence in yourself – without judgement.

Taking the first step towards understanding your experiences can be the beginning of a healthier relationship with yourself and with others.

You deserve to feel heard, understood, and supported.