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Understanding ‘Tough Love’ in Filipino Households
Many of us grew up with “Walang hingi-an, puro bigayan” or the dreaded “Kumpara kay cousin…” In Filipino culture, respect (po/opo) and obedience are often non-negotiable. While these come from love – a desire for us to succeed – they can sometimes morph into authoritarian parenting. Strict rules and high expectations often overshadow emotional expression.
Did you grow up hearing, “Susumbong kita” or feeling that nothing you did was ever quite enough? You’re not alone. Research suggests authoritarian styles can lower self-esteem and personal agency. As adults, this often creates a loud inner critic, perfectionism, and difficulty setting boundaries.
This is where reparenting becomes a gentle, powerful path to healing.
What is Reparenting? (Hindi ito paninisi)
Reparenting means giving yourself the emotional care, validation, and safety you may have missed as a child. It is not about blaming your parents. Tatay and Nanay did their best with what they knew. But now, you can learn to become the supportive caregiver you needed back then.
Signs You Might Be Ready to Heal
✔️ You hear “Ang tamad mo” in your own voice when you make a mistake.
✔️ You feel “never good enough” despite promotions or achievements.
✔️You struggle to say “no” without feeling guilty.
✔️ You seek validation from others before trusting yourself.
These patterns often form when a child’s worth is tied to performance, not emotional safety.
Practical Ways to Rebuild Self-Esteem Through Reparenting
Healing takes time, but small intentional steps can gradually reshape how you treat yourself.
1. Challenge Your Inner Critic
That harsh inner voice sounds familiar, right? When you mess up, pause and ask: “Would I say this to my best friend?” If not, replace it with a kinder, encouraging tone. Practise compassionate self-talk.
2. Validate Your Feelings (Hindi ‘yung “I’m fine” lang)
Many of us learned to suppress emotions; “Wag kang iiyak, nakakahiya.” Re-parenting means acknowledging your feelings. Try saying: “It makes sense that I feel hurt.” That simple act rebuilds self-trust.
3. Allow Yourself to Make Mistakes
In strict households, mistakes often meant shame. Healing means recognising that errors are part of learning; not proof of failure. Adopt a growth mindset. You are not your worst moment.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries Without the Guilt
You can say “Hindi po ako pwede” without a 10-paragraph explanation. Boundaries protect your energy. Healthy relationships respect your “no.”
5. Talk to Someone Who Gets It
Healing thrives in safe, culturally sensitive spaces. Speaking with a counsellor who understands utang na loob, family hierarchy, and hiya can transform your journey.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
Reparenting isn’t about rewriting the past; it’s about creating a kinder present. Celebrate small wins. Speak to yourself with gentleness. You are unlearning decades of critical conditioning, and that takes courage.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If a critical Filipino upbringing still weighs on your heart, professional support can help you rebuild confidence and emotional safety.
Pinoy Therapy connects Filipinos worldwide with licensed Filipino therapists who truly understand your cultural context; from family expectations to pakikisama.
Book a confidential online counselling session today with Pinoy Therapy. Your journey toward self-compassion starts now.
References:
Enriquez, C. D., Queano, A. S., Testa, A. T., & Umali, P. D. (2016). The mediating effect of self-esteem on the relationship between parenting style and prosocial behaviour of adolescents (Undergraduate thesis). De La Salle University.
Kou, S. (2022). The relationship between parenting style and self-esteem in adolescents. Journal of Education, Humanities and Social Sciences, 3, 117–123.
Rudica, M. (2023). Influence of authoritarian parenting style on self-esteem and self-efficacy of students. Asia Pacific Journal of Multidisciplinary Research.
